No. 046 - Built to Spill's “Car” changed my life
A declaration of love and a change of plans on the Fourth of July, by Michael Hoolihan
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created by Grace Lilly, supported by readers.
• 4 min read •
It was the year 2000 and I was a 17-year-old high school junior in Apple Valley, Minnesota.
I was feeling lost and stoned, but I had a girlfriend named Heidi who I was very in love with. I was a bit of a late bloomer when it came to dating, so this relationship was significant.
My older brother Sam had just gifted my twin brother and me a CD — There's Nothing Wrong with Love by Built to Spill. Getting new music from our brother was like being handed a treasure map from a hero. We looked up to him immensely, and what he liked, we liked. I immediately fell for Doug Martsch’s high-pitched, almost Neil Young-like voice. The song “Big Dipper” was on repeat for a week.
On July 4th, I had no plans.
I was feeling alone and wanted to confess my love — further than I already had — to Heidi. My friends were smoking from a milk jug bong and laughing at each other’s fart jokes. I wanted more for my Fourth of July.
I grabbed the keys to my dad’s Mitsubishi Galant around 9:30 p.m. and headed to Heidi's house. My plan was to pick her up and go watch the fireworks somewhere.
The Built to Spill record was still in the CD player; I pressed play and pulled out of the driveway.
It was dark as I turned on to her street in a hilly neighborhood within a mile of our high school. My heart was beating fast. I parked a block away and walked around her house to the back where an entrance to her bedroom in the basement was. Her family had a hot tub under a pergola with string lights hanging on the wooden beams next to the back door.
I heard her voice and got excited.
Maybe she's with a friend, I thought. I peered around the corner and there she was: in the hot tub with a player from the hockey team, in his wet, shirtless embrace, making out.
I froze.
They couldn't see me as I stood there behind a bush, still and heartbroken. Being non-confrontational by nature, I slithered away with my head down. I got back into my car and I think I remember crying, but I'm not sure.
That’s when I skipped forward to the fourth track of There's Nothing Wrong with Love, which I hadn't really listened to yet, “Car.”
The lyrics, though not directly related to my pain, bled into my spirit like I’d never experienced before. The song was sad but contemplative, beautiful yet painful.
I drove around the neighborhoods by Heidi's house and the high school, and I think I played that song five times over. I was raw with an emotion I hadn't yet felt. A new despair.
That moment taught me what the privilege of heartbreak felt like, and that song was the spiritual wavelength I cascaded across.
I drove back home eventually, watching the fireworks explode over the hills of the suburb, their colorful lights reflecting off the windows of my dad’s car. I met back up with my friends and brother and when they asked how it went I just said she wasn't home. I took a big, deep hit from a weird bong and pretended to be better than I was.
To this day, I'm still a fan of Built to Spill and grateful for Doug Martsch's songwriting.
Whenever I hear “Car” now, it brings me back to that dark street by the high school, and slowly driving away. ◆
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About Michael
Michael Hoolihan is a bartender and aspiring screenwriter based in Robbinsdale, Minnesota. He adores Italian wine and a good story. He’s single and looking for a hot tub of his own.
Instagram @iceberg_let_us
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