No. 043 - Fred again..’s “Kyle (i found you)” changed my life
Thato Noinyane's big crush, aha moment, and "Year of Being Brave"
🏆 A top-read essay
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created by Grace Lilly, supported by readers.
• 4 min read •
There was a boy who I spent hours writing and rewriting (and rewriting) texts to, messages he’d never receive because I didn't think my words were good enough.
He had no clue that his posts popping up on my timeline would brighten up my entire day, or that he gave me involuntary smiles from (delusionally) imagining our future together.
Yes, at my big age, I was suffering from a serious case of a crush — one that everyone around me knew about, but not the person who completely threw my chakras out of balance (and reader, I’m very serious about the balance of my chakras).
One lazy afternoon, while sitting on my couch contemplating life, my brain-engine lit up. I had one of those Oprah “aha” moments, a realization that I had lived this entire scenario before. Here I was, once again, secretly in love with someone who was not available to me, and to whom I was unavailable.
My therapist had warned me that this day would come.
Having spent years pretending my fears didn’t exist, I was finally ready to face my “absent father” wound. After all, it felt like my availability to partners and their availability to me had that specific wound at the core. And so, one afternoon, I found myself sitting across a table from my half brother, who went on to graciously answer questions about a man I spent my entire life resenting and longing for.
It was a very emotional and profound encounter that awakened a new reality: Maybe I wasn't the abandoned child. Maybe I was loved. Maybe I did belong.
So who was I in this new world, this world in which I’m no longer held back by a fear of being loved or left?
Did I actually prefer scrambled or fried eggs? Did I really believe I looked terrible in a swimsuit? And why have I not started writing that script I've been dreaming of?
This revelation started a period of learning, unlearning, forgiving, mourning and giving myself loving tight hugs. It also came with spending a lot of time alone doing yoga, cooking, journaling, and dancing — all done half naked in my little apartment, surrounded by my favourite little things.
One random afternoon, in the midst of a very random playlist, my world stopped for exactly 3 minutes 16 seconds.
In this smoking chaos
Our shoulder blades kissed
I found you
I found you
I found you
I found you beautiful
I found you exploding
I found you
Every cell in my body lit up. My stomach turned, my cheeks flushed, and my heart raced as the magical sounds of “Kyle (i found you)” by Fred Again.. played through my speakers. Just like a mirror to my soul, every lyric, melody, beat carried the weight of where I was in my chapter of rediscovery. To me, it was a love song about me loving me. A crush worth having.
I must've replayed it about twenty times that day. And then twenty more times the next day, the next week and months following, all while shedding many tears.
Obsessing over favourite songs is a norm, but this was different.
I called 2023, an undeniably challenging year, my “Year of Being Brave.” Different genres of music became tools for comfort, strength and often survival. At the end of the year, my Spotify Wrapped reflected many important songs which dominated my life.
And for the first time, I proudly participated in the social media frenzy of sharing my year in review.
But what it failed to reflect was that one life-changing afternoon, dancing in my living room, when my world was blessed with a song that so beautifully aligned with the theme for my year, and solidified the beginning of an important chapter OF ME!
My hope is to experience this song live someday, and dance and smile and cry just like I did that day, when I was reminded of my own courage. ◆
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About Thato
Based in Johannesburg, Thato Noinyane is a development and programme specialist currently leading digital advocacy campaigns. Beyond strategizing ways to drive positive impact, she frequents art galleries, indulges in live shows and movies, savours moments with loved ones, and often treats herself to some delicious gelato.
Instagram @thatoinpics
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The first two weeks of our stay had been full of sightseeing, history lessons, school-related stuff, and the occasional Cadbury Creme Egg. What you’d expect.
To fulfill our teachers’ promise that this trip “would definitely have fun parts too,” the adults organized a (parent-chaperoned) party for us…
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"Every cell in my body lit up"
What a way to describe what music can do! What a miracle we deal with every day. What a great essay!