No. 121 - Billie Eilish’s “WILDFLOWER” changed my life
Sarah Sarra navigates chaos by embracing comfort, and then by letting it go
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring weekly essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created (and illustrated) by Grace Lilly.
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• 3 min read •
Comfort food. Comfort music. General comfort. That’s what I unconsciously surrounded myself with since the start of Covid-19 and the birth of my first son in April 2020. Facing too many changes, I craved constants. And one of those constants was a playlist, unchanged for the following four years.
Every year since 2020, my Spotify Wrapped has been a shuffled list of Paramore, Theo Katzman, Emily King, Muse, Guster — and then throw in Patrick Stump for all the Spidey and His Amazing Friends tracks my two boys binge listen to. All amazing artists and bands that I would pat myself on the back for listening to, saying, “Good job, self, for consuming all this timeless music once again!” But then a part of me would always go, “Sarah! You are a musician! Where did your appetite for musical enlightenment go??” For context, let’s go back 32 years.
I was born in April 1993 to parents who met in a church choir on Halloween night in 1982. My mom sang in the choir while my dad sang and played the bass guitar. The “playlist” of my childhood was filled with my dad’s cassette tapes of artists such as Jim Croce and Earth, Wind & Fire, and my mom’s live concert VHS tapes of artists ranging from Kenny Loggins to Tina Turner. I always say my dad taught my three siblings and me how to play different instruments so he would always have people to jam with, and that’s the truth. My dad got my eldest sister on the bass guitar, my second sister on the drums, me on the guitar, and my younger brother on a combination of all the above. Boom, family band!
I started playing guitar at 6 years old, played with various church choirs, played in multiple rock/pop/alternative bands from elementary school through college, and minored in jazz performance. In 2016, I met my husband, Chris, who also plays guitar and sings and who started me on a whole other era of musical enlightenment. I am not saying all of this to be like, “Wow, look at me and all my experience!” More so to elucidate that for most of my life I was surrounded by a constant stream of new music all the time, and it was amazing.
Now fast forward to the end of 2024, a time that brought me a new level of anxiety. Maybe I am Samson and the number of inches I slowly chopped off my hair on November 5th weakened me and my sanity. Or maybe it was the more obvious result of November 5th that peaked my anxiety levels. But for some reason, the level of chaos in my brain did not result in the same repetitive comfort-seeking behavior that my 2020 self leaned on. Instead, the end of 2024 resulted in me craving change.
One day at work, I opened YouTube — my favorite source for live music. I started with Post Malone’s NPR Tiny Desk performance, which then led me to Billie Eilish’s performance of “WILDFLOWER” from Amazon Music’s Songline. And man, I guess I am five years late to the Billie Eilish train, but this song was the stop-all-things-and-just-listen-on-repeat kind of song. It was the first I-have-to-share-this-with-Chris song in what felt like years. Billie’s warm, ethereal voice and the harmonies of the backup singers were so effortless yet so intentional, the performance gave me chills.
This song led me down a rabbit hole that I am still happily inhabiting. (If you haven’t watched Billie’s 2020 Grammys performance of “when the party’s over,” go do it now.) Billie’s (and her brother/collaborator Finneas’) music brought me a renewed excitement for musical discovery, and even had me picking up my guitar to learn a new song for the first time in over two years.
I ended 2024 and began 2025 letting go of comfort. Though I rarely make earnest New Year’s resolutions, I felt the need to make this year different. From discovering new musicians to trying new restaurants, I wanted to fill this year with change rather than constants. Quite the opposite of 2020, when faced with stress and uncertainty, I have found comfort and growth in exploring the unfamiliar. In the year ahead, whether through sameness or novelty, may we all find beauty despite the chaos surrounding us. ◆
About Sarah
Sarah Sarra lives in San Jose, California with her husband Chris and their two boys, Lewis and Ira. By day, she works as an electrical engineer at the NASA Ames Research Center. By night and on weekends, she spends her free time relishing the cuteness of her kids, attempting to have adult conversations with her husband, and throwing pottery.
Instagram @clay.sarah.sarra
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Categories
Friendship • Family • Coming of Age • Romance • Grief • Spirituality & Religion • Personal Development
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