No. 020 - Paramore’s “Ain’t It Fun” changed my life
Musician Marcus Drew talks visiting Florida without a phone, local radio, and the tune that kept him going in the midst of chaos
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created by Grace Lilly, supported by readers.
• 5 min read •
But just give it time if it don't hurt now
To say my life changed forever on March 26, 2016 feels a bit trite since it was a day of waiting for the inevitable: Mom dying.
It doesn’t account for the shock, pain, anger, resentment, and tears that led up to it. But that day was the culmination. It was a lonely day of hoping in vain for a miracle while knowing the reality of terminal cancer would win out in the end.
After my sister called me with the tragic news, I made some calls myself, ate some Chinese food, surprisingly didn’t cry, and actually got some decent sleep.
2016 was off to an amazing start…
See it's easy to ignore trouble when you're living in a bubble
A few months earlier, I really tried to start that year off right. In January I took part in my college’s service immersion trip to Immokalee, Florida. In need of a break from Mom after some gnarly fights between us, I took the immersion part seriously and left my phone in New York City.
It was a much needed respite. I’m still grateful to my team for being my home for 10 days and for the service we did. It all helped keep my worst thoughts at bay. Among other things: through local radio stations, the trip reignited my love for Paramore.
Despite my diet of mostly Hip-Hop and R&B growing up, Paramore has meant a lot to me since 2008. Even when there were periods where I wasn’t keeping up with them, I could never forget singing “That’s What You Get” in Rock Band, or them taking my breath away with their live version of “The Only Exception” at the 2010 VMAs.
To and from service days, I was riding shotgun and singing along to “Still Into You.” Then, when I got back to New York to finish up school, YouTube recommended “Ain’t It Fun,” and I was compelled to download Paramore’s entire discography up to that point.
The music video is cute – Hayley Williams, Taylor York, and Jeremy Davis break world records as she sings about coping with life drastically changing all around her. The album version is a minute longer and so much funkier.
The lyrics may be ironic and a bit navel-gazing, but Hayley sings her heart out (as she usually does) over the killer new jack swing inspired production. For the two months leading up to Mom’s death, I played the song almost every day.
It kept me going amid the chaos of my own life...
What are you gonna do when the world don’t orbit around you?
When I woke up on March 27, 2016, I almost forgot it was Easter Sunday. I almost wanted to forget since it’s Mom’s favorite holiday and she was no longer here to celebrate it.
I rolled out of bed and made some breakfast before a few more calls. Cabin fever started setting in around 1:00pm when I realized it was officially just me all alone in a 2-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side – way too much space for one person.
So I took my longboard out to Riverside Park and skated down to Battery Park City, my beat since 2013. With my phone in my pocket, there was only one song I felt like playing over and over again.
More calls and texts rolled in, but I was rolling deep hearing Hayley and the choir sing these lyrics matter-of-factly with increasing verve. Ironically enough, any anxiety I felt started subsiding. I even felt calm?
Mom and I had a toxic relationship to say the least. We loved each other deeply and I was missing her (still do), but I was also making peace with missing someone who had a bad habit of making me feel alone even when I was with her.
As I took deep breaths, Hayley’s words felt like both sweet relief and a challenge to take on what lay ahead.
In the last 90 seconds of the song, the lyrics turn into a battle cry. Hayley and a member of the choir sing off each other as if the studio is a church.
I beat my chest, smiled, and sang along even as I lost my breath. Mom was gone and I was about to graduate from college less than two months later. The world was only gonna get realer from that point on, yet I felt increasingly ready.
I didn’t rush home that afternoon since there was no one waiting for me.
Ain’t it fun living in the real world?
Seven years later and life has been, for better and worse, life. It’s as tragically beautiful as it was in 2016 and it has changed me – definitely for the better.
The only thing is that “Ain’t It Fun” doesn’t hit the same anymore. It hits harder; an instant boost of energy for me whenever I need it. Whether I’m driving on the BQE or running a half marathon, I always make time to hear that xylophone play in my right ear over the drums before Hayley lets me down easy.
And if I ever get to meet her in person one day, I can’t wait to tell her: “Yes, actually. Living in the real world has been quite fun.” ◆
About Marcus Drew
Marcus Drew is a multi-hyphenate musician hailing from New York City. If you can’t find him in the wild, check him out on Instagram once in a blue moon or stream his music (Apple Music, Spotify, Bandcamp, etc.) to get glimpses of the tragically beautiful life he lives. Above all else, he’d like to dedicate this entry to Angella Debra Killbrew (1963-2016).
Instagram @marcusdrewmusic
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What a beautiful essay. I'm so sorry for your loss. But what a wonderful examination of what art can bring to us when we need it the most.