No. 061 - John Frusciante’s “My Smile Is a Rifle” changed my life
As a teen, Paul Smirl's synesthesia led him to chase down colorful sounds he could see
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created by Grace Lilly, supported by readers.
• 3 min read •
A lot of my favorite music isn't actually “good.”
It's not well-produced, well-recorded, or even well-performed. I love immaculate music for sure — Prince, Tears for Fears, Björk — but when I think back to the songs that shaped me, I think of some of the dirtiest, dingiest, and most bizarre tracks buried at the bottom of an old thumb drive filled with shared, ripped, and scattered MP3s. John Frusciante’s “My Smile Is a Rifle” definitely fits that criteria.
Growing up in Wisconsin, music gave me entrance into a secret world. Throwing on a pair of cheap headphones and plugging into a matching portable CD player was a way of life. I found out about music however I could: through word of mouth, the radio, my brother, scouring library shelves, and trading burned CDs with kids at school.
(I’ll never forget receiving a burned CD from a friend that he jokingly labeled “Videos of my teachers nude.” I can assure you that it was a CD full of tunes and NOT videos of my teachers nude.)
As I jumped headlong into music, I also realized I had synesthesia.
Synesthesia sounds like some sort of disorder — and in some ways I’m sure it is — but it is also the most magical thing for a kid obsessed with exploring music. Synesthesia, for those who don’t know, is a mental “condition” that crosses one’s senses. For me, that means I “see” sound. Imagine one of those old-school screensavers and you won’t be far off.
As a synesthetic weirdo in the suburban Midwest, I yearned to have my mind blown by the trippiest, most cerebral, and colorful sounds. But like many suburban Midwest weirdos in the early 2000s, my route towards exciting music actually began with alternative rock.
After sifting through your Pearl Jams, your Foo Fighters, and your Killers, I found a life-changing song written by a member of another iconic (infamous?) alt rock group. That’s right, at 16, the most shock-to-the-system music to me was by Red Hot Chili Peppers’ guitarist John Frusciante.
When it comes to Frusciante, it’s kind of an if-you-know-you-know kind of situation. Yes, he was/is in RHCP, yes much of RHCP’s music is cringey, and no, he is not featured on any of their worst records!
But it’s his haunting, originally-not-meant-for-the-public debut solo album that got me.
Niandra LaDes and Usually Just a T-Shirt is a strange record. Made at home on presumably non-professional equipment in between his work with the Chili Peppers, Niandra LaDes is a dark and psychedelic portrait of a troubled young musician. Frusciante was undoubtedly massively struggling at the time of its recording, but there’s something incredibly warm and human about it as well.
The guitar playing has no pretense of being good, it’s simply expressive. The feeling caught on tape is extreme. The whole thing has this ghostly vibe to it, which demands that you listen, scaring you into trying to find the artistry amongst the addled, woozy performances that are equal parts ballad and sound collage.
Songs like “My Smile Is a Rifle” make you feel like you’re in the room with him. Spontaneity trumps precision. Texture outduels clarity, and most of all, emotion reigns over perfection.
On a break from his day job, Frusciante created something not for the alt rock masses, but for people who needed to hear something deeply personal and oddly comforting.
Niandra LaDes and its humble, moody second track made me believe in the power of music and all the strange, emotive, colorful, and magical things it can conjure. ◆
Categories
Friendship • Family • Coming of Age • Romance • Grief • Spirituality & Religion • Personal Development
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Top 10 • Grace's Favorites • Secret
About Paul
Paul Smirl is a musician and writer proudly from Wisconsin who now proudly lives in New Jersey. He loves the Milwaukee Bucks and has two music projects: Devotion Symbol and Vein Rays.
Instagram @DevotionSymbol
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I met Courtney on my first day of high school
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