No. 124 - Sufjan Stevens’s “Impossible Soul” changed my life
Maxine Mitsuko on heartache, Sufjan-centric delusions, sisterly love, and healing
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• 5 min read •
I was 19 years old and had just dropped out of one of the most prestigious art conservatories in the country. I clearly wasn’t doing well. Between the drug use that came with art school and the mental instability I felt as my environment shifted, I needed to leave.
The year prior was my second year in college and I had been experiencing a long version of my first romantic heartbreak. My ex was a fan of Sufjan Stevens, so I started looking into his discography. I knew a few songs already, but then I came across the over 20-minute masterpiece that is “Impossible Soul.”
I would listen to it while taking walks, I would listen to it to help me fall asleep, and I would listen to it while smoking marijuana. The trajectory of the different parts of the song changed my brain chemistry. I felt like I deeply understood the lyrics — beginning with the first part, all about a love interest who has hurt and tortured you:
Woman, tell me what you want and I’ll calm down
Without bleeding out with a broken heart that you stabbed for an hour
Followed later by:
Seems I got it wrong
I was chasing after something that was gone
To the black of night
Now I know it’s not what I wanted at all
I listened through the whole of the song what felt like a million times. However, sometimes my depression got so bad I would just listen to the first four minutes on repeat, because ultimately that was my favorite part.
After leaving college I was living with my mom and my sister who had recently graduated from the same program I had just dropped out of. And I couldn’t stop smoking. I would smoke weed from morning to night every day.
One night I couldn’t fall asleep, so I went looking for a sleep aid. I found a bottle of Advil PM, took three, and then did not sleep for many days. At one point I found myself in the bathtub at probably three in the morning singing “Impossible Soul.” I sang every lyric of that song while taking that bath, and then I got out, threw up, and got dressed. Later, the part of the song where it sounds like Sufjan is angry at God was stuck in my head:
Stupid man in the window, I couldn’t be at rest
All my delight, all that mattered, I couldn’t be at rest
And I began gathering things to give to friends and family, because in that moment, I thought I was dying.
I had developed psychosis.
My family took me to the emergency room, where I was admitted to the psychiatric ward, and I kept singing that song. In fact, more than singing, I was performing it for the whole open ward. I spent about 18 days there, with a good chunk of that time being spent in the closed unit, where the difficult patients go.
After many delusions revolving around Sufjan Stevens himself and believing I was the reincarnated version of the girl from his song “Casimir Pulaski Day,” my mom pulled me out of the hospital because it was no longer helping. Instead it was harming me, and it seemed like there was no end was in sight. I got on large doses of many different medications and over the course of three months I got better.
On my 20th birthday, in a period of recovery, my sister did the kindest thing she could think of. She bought us tickets to go see Sufjan Stevens live at the Hollywood Bowl. It was the Carrie and Lowell tour, and I had purchased that album on vinyl the day it was released, before I got sick. The next month we went to the show. I had my doubts that he would play “Impossible Soul,” because it was from The Age of Adz and I don’t think it’s really one of his more popular songs. But to me, it’s his magnum opus.
Towards the end of the show, I heard the chord that I knew meant he was going to play “Impossible Soul,” and I felt a bittersweet joy. From my seat in the nosebleeds, I quietly sang along until the most cheerful portion of the whole song began and my sister convinced me to stand and dance while everyone else was seated:
It’s a long life, better pinch yourself
Put your face together, better get it right
Together, we sang along and danced in a sea of seated of people, and in that moment I truly understood:
It’s not so impossible
It was very clear that we were the only people in our section who really knew this song, but the deep meaning it held for both of us made this moment so special. For me, it was a full circle moment. For her, it was a glimpse at her little sister healing. Near the end of this part people began standing, but it was too late. Sufjan chose not to play the final, reflective part of the song, ending it on a high note instead.
After that night, I don’t think I ever felt the consistent urge to listen to that long, beautiful song again. And after a few years of ups and downs, I found my way. Occasionally I get nostalgic and put the song back on, but it’s very rare. Sufjan remains one of my all-time favorite artists, but I don’t really feel the need to listen to his music anymore. He is a genius, but I cannot confront the darkness his music holds. Not now that I am healthy, happy, and more than 10 years past my introduction to this song that changed me forever. Every now and then, though, I remind myself of the most important takeaway:
In the right life
It’s a miracle
Possibilities!
…
It’s not so impossible!
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About Maxine
Maxine Mitsuko is a former actor, developing writer, recovering Schizoaffective, and 15-year astrology student. She is new to Substack and does many different kinds of astrology readings. Find her at Algebraic Personality Poetry.
Instagram @algebraic_personality_poetry
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Categories
Friendship • Family • Coming of Age • Romance • Grief • Spirituality & Religion • Personal Development
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This is raw and beautifully honest. The way "Impossible Soul" tracked throuhg different phases of what you were experiencing, from heartbreak to psychosis to recovery, shows how music can become a companion in ways we dont fully realize until later. I had a similar thing happen with a diferent song during a rough patch, and looking back I realize it wasn't just comfort but like a map through the mess. The concert moment with your sister dancing in that sea of seated people was perfect.