No. 037 - Pinegrove’s “Aphasia” changed my life
Loneliness, a dream trip to Ireland, and the lyrics that made an age-old lesson click for Stone Deal
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created by Grace Lilly, supported by readers.
• 4 min read •
The first time I heard Pinegrove’s album Cardinal was the summer after I graduated high school, in 2017.
I had spent the previous two years working as a busser at a couple of restaurants, saving up for a dream trip to Ireland. I had a few connections over there through a traditional Irish music group I’d played fiddle in, so I had a place to stay for at least half the trip and I had some friends to see.
I knew my cell service would be spotty while I was there, and non-existent on the long flights, so I downloaded a couple of albums prior to the trip. Cardinal was one of them.
I listened to that album over and over throughout the trip and I couldn’t get “Aphasia” out of my head.
If there was one thing that was certain throughout the entirety of that year, it was that I was incredibly lonely. After all, I was 18, had never had a girlfriend, and, for all I knew, never would. I ascribed it to my awkwardness and inability to speak to women, a sort of shyness that had grown into something worse with every rejection.
The trip to Ireland was something I placed a lot of hope in, because to me it was a whole new world with endless possibilities. But no matter how much I dreamed up alternate realities for myself, when it came down to it, when all that I had hoped for was right in front of me, I froze. Everything I knew about myself and every rehearsed conversation vanished from my mind the second I was face to face with another person.
Lyrically, “Aphasia” deals heavily with the sense of dread that sets in when you can’t quite get the right words out of your mouth when it really matters.
For about a week I stayed in Galway on my own before meeting up with some friends in Donegal. School was out so I was able to rent a dorm room near a college campus for cheap. Galway was the perfect city to walk around and I spent most of my time there exploring it on foot.
When the drums and bass kick in halfway through the third verse, I can still feel the same inertia that I felt with each step as I listened to this song in my headphones, walking through the city.
Then the fifth verse:
Just when I thought I had this pattern sorted out
Apparently my ventricles are full of doubt, now
Nah, things go wrong sometimes, don't let it freak you out
But if I don’t have you by me then I’ll go underground
Whether the reference was made intentionally or not, I interpreted the last line as a reference to Dostoevsky’s Notes From Underground, a connection I made because I feared that if I didn't sort myself out soon, or find love soon, I’d end up bitter and alone like the story’s narrator.
I had this unhealthy idea that I needed love to rescue me from myself.
The song made me feel understood enough that when the final lines came, the simple but necessary message actually managed to stick.
One day I won’t need your love
One day I won't define myself by the one I’m thinking of
I realized that the reason I struggled to talk to people (especially romantic interests) so much was because I was trying to be the version of myself that I thought they would like.
I would “define myself by the one I’m thinking of” instead of allowing myself to be comfortable in my own skin.
It’s a lesson that I had encountered a thousand times in various forms, but it took this song for it to finally start to click. It didn’t evaporate my loneliness or fix my poor social skills, but it helped me start to focus more on being the person I wanted to be on my own, without expecting someone else’s love to get me there. ◆
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About Stone
Stone Deal is an American writer and musician. He was born in Plano, Texas in 1999.
You can read his writing here and listen to his music here.
Instagram @stonedeal
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What a beautiful essay. Need to check out Pinegrove