No. 023 - Portugal. The Man's “Sleep Forever” changed my life
No. 023 - Portugal. The Man's “Sleep Forever” changed my life
Shane Evans on coping with change, the idea of home, and fully accepting the winding path of his life
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created by Grace Lilly, supported by readers.
• 4 min read •
Choosing just one song that changed my life is such an incredibly daunting task.
There are endless options that move me: songs that warranted numerous repeat listens, that playlists were created around, that stopped me in my tracks and immediately altered my future.
But as I reflect on all of the music in my ever-growing library — and, more broadly, on the entirety of my life in recent years — I keep returning to one 6’20 ballad from Alaska/Portland indie rockers Portugal. The Man.
The song “Sleep Forever” is the closing track on their 2011 record, In the Mountain in the Cloud. Simply put, it changed my life… but not all at once.
What strikes me so deeply about it is how it resonates so powerfully with the exact life stage that I am currently plodding through.
Opening with an orchestral tease befitting of the beginning of an album, rather than the conclusion, we are taken away by lead singer John Gourley’s ethereal voice:
As I finally meet my end
I won't be scared, I won't defend
The things I've done
I don't need him like you do
I don't fear him like you do
The message, to me anyway, is that the journey is ours and ours alone. Whichever path we choose, we should own and accept it in its totality. We shouldn’t and can’t fear a higher power and its influence on what we have encountered, what we have made of our lives.
Facing the music, so to speak, is the only choice.
When looking back on my life in this context, I realize it has taken many distinct turns.
I was born in England. Moved to America, age 10. Left my father and his side of the family behind (divorce is not fun). Grew up in Philadelphia. Moved to Seattle in my 20s. Left my mother, step-dad and her side of the family behind. Returned to Philadelphia in my 30s. Had many jobs across a range of fields. Never married, no children (just pets). Hardly your straightforward a-to-b route.
All the while, through all of this change, my introverted and introspective brain has battled with the concept of home, of acceptance, of center. Where am I supposed to be? Who matters most? What path should I be on? Most poignantly, does any of it really even matter?
For a long period, it was crippling. I ached for what I once had, for where I once was, never truly accepting that at that moment in time, I was exactly where I was meant to be.
“Sleep Forever” helped me come to terms. It helped me be okay with how things were developing (or not developing) for me, regardless of how unorthodox it all may be. And the more I listened to it, the deeper that message reached. The more powerful it became.
Just like old lovers
Who never leave home
We'll forget the city
And forget the roads
'Cause we are all rebels
Never do what we're told
We may not grow money
But man we grow old
Man we grow old
On this journey we are all on, we grow old. Our brains, our bodies grow old. Our memories stack on older memories forever until we leave this mortal plane, and we take all of that with us until the end.
All the experiences we live through develop beyond being just part of who we are and become what defines us. Growing old is the forced embrace of your existence and all of its parts.
Finally, to the chorus:
I just want to sleep forever
Never see tomorrow
Or lead or follow
I don't want to work forever
Know what I know
Or beg or borrow
“Sleep Forever” isn’t necessarily about sleep or even death. It’s about acceptance. Closing your eyes and being genuinely okay with the current state of your life. Coming to terms with the canvas you have painted throughout your time on this planet.
I have found that in my life, reaching that acceptance was a journey.
When I listen to this song, it leads me to new beliefs and beginnings. I don’t feel lost — not in my thoughts, in my memories, or in imagining how things could have been. I know I don’t need to feel lost, because it’s okay to be exactly where I am. ◆
About Shane
Shane Evans works for Bleacher Report covering soccer and lives in Philadelphia (with yearly visits to England and Seattle). He loves to write, but doesn’t do it nearly as much as he’d like.
Instagram @shane_evans
Twitter @shanevans
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