No. 085 - Kishi Bashi’s “Penny Rabbit and Summer Bear” changed my life
Alone in a hospital room, Sean Devare finds catharsis and a new beginning
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring weekly essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created (and illustrated) by Grace Lilly.
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• 3 min read •
As a young theatre artist living in New York City, the summer of 2019 was one of general optimism. I was about a year out of graduate school and working on exciting experimental performance pieces with various friends and collaborators in the indie theatre scene.
It was in the few days leading up to Memorial Day Weekend when I suffered what I thought was just another routine, though severe, migraine. But the pain and visual impairment persisted for an unusual amount of time — over 72 hours — before I was advised by my family to check into the emergency department at Columbia Presbyterian in Washington Heights. While I was lucid and in relatively good spirits, I was brought to the hospital with the help of a woman who was originally anticipating a second date with me that evening and examined for signs of a stroke, as I had survived one 9 years prior at age 20.
After several rounds of testing and imaging that lasted until about 3 a.m., I was finally brought into a private room to sleep and await the results. The next morning the tests were in and it was confirmed that I had indeed survived another stroke, this time with some permanent damage to my visual cortex, making reading, writing, and drawing considerably more difficult. I retained most of my vision, and, most importantly, I was still alive.
Alone in my sunlit room on the eighth floor, I checked my phone to see that one of my favorite musicians, Kishi Bashi, had just released his much anticipated concept album, Omoiyari — his first project directly confronting the complexities and contradictions of Asian American identity, the painful histories and untold stories woven into his experience. The first song, “Penny Rabbit and Summer Bear” started off the album, its glimmering arpeggios coming in like the rays of a sunrise cresting over a hill as I gazed out the hospital window from on high.
The deceptively sweet lyrics mask an undercurrent of struggle and longing, like the end of a long journey into true love’s warm embrace. The lush, sweeping violins counterpointing and harmonizing to Kaoru’s soaring falsetto broke me open, encapsulating hope, joy, fear and courage. My tears could not be ascribed to any singular emotion, but rather a cathartic release, a point of inflection, a new beginning.
This children’s tale of a lone rabbit persevering to find his bear serves as the romantic overture to a poetic and layered exploration of history and culture, though this song contains no explicit mention of politics or identity. Few songs capture the hope of a new life so viscerally for me, as it is forever intertwined with this personal and solitary moment of rebirth or renewal.
I ended up staying in the hospital for just under a week, with friends and family coming to see me and helping to pass the time. I was eventually cleared for a non-invasive albeit somewhat experimental procedure to close up my leaky heart, and I was discharged the following day.
The song itself may not have changed me, but it brings me back to a time and place of transformation like no other, and reminds me to savor all things in life that I have been given, to keep swimming against the current to reach the other shore.
The album remains special to me, and I often listen to the whole thing on a long drive or flight of emotional significance.
I’ve had the pleasure of seeing Kishi Bashi live several times, and I highly recommend seeing him in a venue where you can dance! As a fellow Asian American violinist experimenting with looping pedals, few do it as effectively as him, especially in his Tiny Desk Concert. I was fortunate to have found him through my algorithm, and remain impressed by his stylistic range, eager to hear what he’ll do next. ◆
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About Sean
Sean Devare is a Brooklyn-based multi-disciplinary artist and performer who crafts performance objects like puppets, masks, and musical instruments for original experimental theatre and performance. As an educator he was most recently a resident artist and visiting lecturer at Williams College. Sean is currently working on Metamorphoses, a new production by Krymov Lab which premiered at La MaMa Experimental Theatre Club in March.
Instagram @devarius
⭐ Recommended by
John Tsung (No. 059)
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They exist in my mind
Sometimes when I listen to songs, I imagine someone else singing them. Is that Annie Clark’s voice or Sinéad’s? I can almost hear them, these cover songs that have never been made.
It always happens the same way: I like the original so much that I want more. The same, but different.
I don’t know why, but certain songs sound like they could be sung by a different person — they must, for me! Not because the original versions aren’t satisfying, but for the same reason that all covers are made: they take something familiar and add something new, honoring the original by participating in it.
At best, covers can expand a song, take it somewhere we’ve never been…
Categories
Friendship • Family • Coming of Age • Romance • Grief • Spirituality & Religion • Personal Development
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