No. 028 - Kendrick Lamar’s “Institutionalized” changed my life
No. 028 - Kendrick Lamar’s “Institutionalized” changed my life
JJ Tauil on family, gratitude, and keeping a clear head while living within a culture of rampant consumerism
🏆 A top-read essay
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created by Grace Lilly, supported by readers.
• 7 min read •
in·sti·tu·tion·al·ized (adjective)
1. a: created and controlled by an established organization
institutionalized housing, institutionalized religion
b: established as a common and accepted part of a system or culture
institutionalized beliefs and practices
What do you think of when you hear the word “institutionalized”?
The above is how Merriam-Webster defines it, and to me the idea of “control” is what stands out the most.
For reasons that have been clear to me for some time now, I always used to associate the word “institutionalized” with the penitentiary system — the main reason, my family.
There are no words I could ever write to fully express to my parents how much I love and appreciate them. Lately, it has been on the forefront of my mind.
Both of my parents are of Dominican descent. My father was born in the Dominican Republic in a small, beautiful, mountainous city called Bonao, and moved to New York at age 16. My mother was born in Brooklyn, a first generation American with very close ties back to the Dominican Republic. Spanish was her first language, and she still speaks it beautifully.
I am from Harlem, and I carry my city with a lot of pride because it is also very much where my parents are from — it’s a place they call home as much as I do. They met in my childhood neighborhood while they were still in high school, and neither of them left until we left everything behind and moved to Long Island for a “better life” when I was 11 years old.
My father gave me invaluable life training and self-discipline through our shared passion for tennis. My mother instilled a sense of humility and humanity that, even as an adult, puts my mind at ease when I lay my head down at night. It is a blunt and unfortunate reality that I can’t say that all my relatives were blessed to have parents like mine.
Everything that I am, and everything that I ever will be, is because of the foundation that my parents laid for me.
Most people who know me or spend some time around me would probably never guess that I have multiple family members who have been incarcerated, deported, and even murdered.
I think of it the same way I imagine veterans perceive war movies (outside of the fact that their amazing stories do deserve recognition) — there’s nothing cool about it, and nothing morally rewarding or romantic about it either.
When I think of the most irrefutable reason why I am on the path I am currently on, and not a more unfortunate one more aligned with those some of my family members were placed on, I think of my parents. This is also the root of why I have struggled with survivor’s guilt my whole life.
As I mentioned, the word “institutionalized” used to make me think about the penitentiary system. However, it is not the first thing that comes to mind anymore. That is because the ultimate penitentiary system, the one that isn’t talked about enough amongst the masses, and the one you are hopefully thinking about by now, is that of the mind.
This shift in mindset that I experienced is most efficiently and eloquently explained on the track that changed my life, “Institutionalized” by Kendrick Lamar, from his second studio album To Pimp a Butterfly.
I heard this song for the first time when I was in college. It’s funny because I wasn’t the biggest fan of the album at the time, but now it’s the Kendrick album that I most personally relate to. That being said, the first time I heard this song it immediately stood out to me.
For starters, the production and artistry on the track is something no one had heard before. Jazz undertones mixed with a heavy bass and kick drum, sprinkled with some word distortion throughout, a little bit of off-beat yet on-beat rapping, and voila! Easy, right?
However, the most significant part of the song for me is verse two, when Kendrick’s friend who he brings to an award show explains to him why he is looking to rob those in attendance.
“Fuck am I 'posed to do when I'm lookin' at walkin' licks?
The constant big money talk 'bout the mansion and foreign whips
The private jets and passport, presidential glass floor
Gold bottles, gold models, givin' up the ass for
Instagram flicks, suckin' dick, fuck is this?
One more sucker wavin' with a flashy wrist
My defense mechanism tell me to get him
Quickly because he got it
It's a recession, then why the fuck he at King of Diamonds?
No more livin' poor, meet my four-four
When I see 'em, put the per diem on the floor
Now Kendrick, know they're your co-workers
But it's gon' take a lot 'fore this pistol go cold turkey
Now I can watch his watch on the TV and be okay
But see I'm on the clock once that watch landin' in LA
Remember steal from the rich and givin' it back to the poor?
Well, that's me at these awards”
I get chills even just reading these words.
There is so much packed into just a few lines, and I’m sure some of you interpret it differently than me, but there are two main points I think Kendrick is trying to make in this verse.
1) His friend is kind of right. The inhumanity that exists in this world, most easily demonstrated by wealth disparity, is over-the-top egregious and vexing.
If I were a less fortunate individual, I too would be tempted to take a “shortcut” or two in order to obtain the materialistic items dangled in front of us every day — especially if I thought I was doing good by intending on “givin’ it back to the poor.”
2) Kendrick is demonstrating the “institutionalized” mindset of his friend by revealing his way of thought with respect to wanting these materialistic items to begin with.
When I look around my Harlem world and observe how the community conducts itself as a whole, and the things people seem to strive for, whether they are a part of my family or not, it makes me sad. Never-ending consumerism, poor dieting, and “clout chasing” consume the minds and lifestyles of far too many, and at times I wonder where we will go from here.
Despite the heaviness of this feeling, I use this sadness as motivation to make full use of all that my parents have done for me, the potential I possess, and the opportunities I’ve earned. I work my ass off for the things I want.
Since I was a kid, I have been driven to be the best I can be in anything I do because my parents gave me the chance to do so, and I’ll be damned if I ever forget it.
Ultimately, I can’t really say this song “changed my life” in the sense that it helped me not stick up the Fordham University kids who wore daddy’s Rolex to my Value Investing class or something of the sort. But it did change my life in that it made it clear as day to me that I needed to avoid the ultimate institutionalization, and that is of the mind.
It is indisputable that throughout our lives we all receive a form of institutionalization or “programming” from our parents, friends, jobs, schools, media, and so on.
This song changed my life because it absolutely rocked my world with that epiphany the first time I heard it.
So, I guess if there’s anything I wish for you all, it is for you to be who you are, come from where you come from, but remember to keep the principle of objectivity in mind. See things for what they are. Listen, process, and digest before you react. It will help you lead a more peaceful and prosperous life.
More candidly put, I am a man of color, a Latin man, a this-that-and-the-other man, but when I look out at the world, I just try to see things as a hu-man.
“Shit don't change until you get up and wash yo' ass, n**ga
Shit don't change until you get up and wash yo' ass, boy
Shit don't change until you get up and wash yo' ass, n**ga
Oh now, slow down”
With Love,
JJ
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About JJ
JJ Tauil is an Afro-Latino Harlemite who loves his family and the sport of tennis, whether playing or teaching. Outside of the sport of tennis, music is his biggest passion in life, and he plans on combining both passions in his future. Some of his favorite artists are Kendrick Lamar, Frank Ocean, Sade, Seal, U2, and Bob Marley. His message, spread love.
Instagram @hybridblackman
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Great great great essay and "To Pimp A Butterfly" is such a landmark album. Great pick. Inspiring piece. Thank you!