Diary 💗 Moving to New York

Dates in a new city, my first concert as a New Yorker, and concert tees

It was January 31st

I’d moved to New York on January 11th. I was 20 years old and it was my 21st day of living in my new home.

In a different January five years before, I went to my first concert at Terminal 5. Now, it was January again and I was headed back. This time to see The Vaccines, an English indie rock band whose music was loud and rowdy and sounded the way I felt inside.

I’d arrived in the city in a vulnerable state. New beginnings are always hard, especially when they’re preceded by a finite ending. The life I’d lived before had failed, and my heart was invested in this fresh start.

A (very) new friend invited me to the show, in that sweet college way where everyone alerts everyone to what they’re doing. “You’re welcome to join!” was the idea.

In an effort to forge stronger bonds, I quickly bought a GA ticket. I wasn’t exactly sure who of my new acquaintances would be coming (“What’s her name again?”). The whole thing felt tingly and capricious like jumping off a diving board.

It would be fine, good even, but it made my palms sweat.

“Making new friends is easy,” I assured myself. “I’m likable.” They can’t read my thoughts, can they?

The final group was small: me and two guys. I didn’t know either of them well, but was determined to keep cool. I could fit in, or at least that’s what I kept telling myself.

photo: 2bitmonkey

By the time the music started, its sheer force overpowered any cortisol in my system. Too loud to think. Loud like my teeth are shaking. Loud like I can actually feel this damaging my eardrums but I’m young and you only live once so fuck it.

I don’t do that kind of loud anymore, but at the time it was just what I needed. A blast of the senses. A ladleful of wasabi.

There were 3,000 strangers around me. People sitting on shoulders, arms in the air. It looked like movies I’d seen of people having fun. The scene felt very “this is it.” One of those moments where years later, your future self will pop in for a minute to feel the memory.

photo: 2bitmonkey

Halfway through the show, my phone started vibrating in my pocket. A guy I’d been on two dates with was angry. He was expecting me to sleep with him the following night, and I wasn’t ready.