No. 092 - Alabama Shakes’ “This Feeling” changed my life
After a winter of loneliness, hopelessness, and overwhelm, Alison Ameter knows she’ll be alright
This Song Changed My Life is an independent music publication featuring weekly essays from people all around the world about the songs that mean the most to them. Created (and illustrated) by Grace Lilly.
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• 3 min read •
Most anyone who has completed a graduate degree will tell you that there are moments of profound hopelessness. Moments when you feel lost, uninspired, and directionless. I was stuck deep inside such a moment in the winter of 2019. My work felt simultaneously overwhelming and meaningless, I was extremely lonely, and the oppressive gloom of the Ohio winter was taking its toll on me. I found myself wanting to check out whenever my schedule would allow, preferring to stare mindlessly at the TV rather than spend time with friends or invest in one of my hobbies, a habit I knew was making my depression worse.
I reached a particularly low point one evening on the fifth floor of Denney Hall, the home of the English department. I was alone in one of the graduate student offices (a rare occurrence) editing an article I had been working on for longer than I’d care to admit. I had just learned that someone I’d asked for feedback on said article was now criticizing my work to others in the cohort. At this moment, it felt like my future was riding on this article. My long-term partner (now husband) had moved across the country, and I was attempting to transfer to another school to be closer to him as I finished my degree. This article was my writing sample, the single most important aspect of these applications. More than that, it was work I had been genuinely proud of, work that felt new and exciting and important. I felt my chances of getting into another program slipping away, and the deep loneliness I had been enduring felt inescapable. A familiar tightness took hold in my chest, and I found myself shaking and struggling to breathe on the (certainly unclean) floor of the women’s restroom.
My life felt like it was outside of my control and no amount of work was going to bring that control back to me. The things that had once guided me — my work, my vision of what my future would be — felt fuzzy and inaccessible.
Two things got me through this time of hopelessness. The first was my sweet husky, Dakota. She was never the cuddly type, and she often behaved more like a cat than a dog, forgoing the typical, rambunctious dog greetings for a bored look in my direction when I came home. But caring for her reminded me that I needed to care for myself. Our walks forced me outside into the fresh air I logically knew I needed but couldn’t get on my own. Her uncomplicated happiness chasing a squirrel or sniffing her way through a park was momentarily infectious.
The second was the Alabama Shakes song “This Feeling.” I had taken Dakota out for a long walk (a walk I needed maybe even more than she did) on a cold, sunny Saturday. The sky was a striking ice blue and the cold air stung my lungs, but the sun was bright and as we walked I felt a lightness I had not felt in quite some time. In my earbuds, I heard Brittany Howard’s powerful, yet restrained vocals over a pared down accompaniment of hand drums and guitar. The lyrics weren’t groundbreaking, but they contained a simple profundity. Howard’s assertion that “if I wanted to, I’d be alright” revealed a plain truth: that while much was out of my control, I could choose to be alright.
Life wasn’t suddenly rosier after this. I did not get into any of the programs I had wanted to transfer into, my article was never published, and I remained separated from my partner until the Covid-19 pandemic brought the world to a halt. But my perspective had shifted. When things felt hopeless, I reached once again for the feeling Howard described: the feeling that things would, eventually, in some way or form, be alright. Maybe life wouldn’t look how I imagined it. But I would be alright. ◆
About Alison
Alison Ameter is an Education Specialist at MLK Jr. Community Hospital in Los Angeles. She lives with her husband and goofy dog, Sammie.
Instagram @am.ameter
⭐ Recommended by
Yonina Hoffman (No. 062)
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Categories
Friendship • Family • Coming of Age • Romance • Grief • Spirituality & Religion • Personal Development
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i love this song, and it's fascinating to read how another person connected with it! i'm not surprised that it brought her (some level of) peace. thank you for sharing!